YOU may want to rethink if you believe not being in a relationship is the end of the world. It actually makes you more in tune with yourself, your wants and certainly, your needs.
Too clichéd?
This writer is not declaring war over conjugal life or why staying single is better than finding yourself in a relationship – because life isn't that simple.
Here are the stories of three unabashed singletons living it up in their 50s and beyond.
Your own pace
“It’s been 17 years since my last relationship and what I would ask myself if I got married back then is, ‘Would I still be married today?’,” said Tim Saw.
Candidly sharing his status over a lunch break, the 59-year-old strategic communications and partnerships director of an agency here in Kuala Lumpur regards having a dogmatic view over a relationship or lack thereof is a thing of the past. The reality today, though, is poles apart.
“Couples back in the 50s or 60s may look at challenges differently and often stay in the relationship purely for the sake of the kids.
“Separations and divorces are quite common now – so, the single life isn’t as bad anymore.
“The pressure to get married comes more from parents, not peers – where it’s simply to ensure my (supposed) spouse and kids are there for me to lean on when age catches up,” shared Saw.
Questioning the stigma surrounding being single, he noted: “Living alone is not difficult as compared to before because there are just so many things singles can do in today’s lifestyle.”
“There has also been an increase of available aged care or assisted living services in recent years such as in Kuching, Ipoh and some plans in Penang. I’m not talking about old folks' homes, but a type of retirement community for elderlies.
“So, are people still afraid of being alone because they are going against the grain?”
Having noted that he does have nephews and nieces that he is close to and confident – due to strong family values – that they in some way or another will look after him, Saw does not see the need to take advantage of the situation.
“I mean, do I really want to burden them with the responsibilities and is it fair to them? I hope they do think about it but if they – eventually – do not have the capacity to care for me, should I blame them?
“So for me, I can’t help but to also look at aspects such as financial security, which I believe is very important. I may be fit and healthy now, but I just don’t know what it will be like 10 years down the road.”
Highlighting that he is no longer dwelling over relationships, Saw expressed that he thought he “needed to settle down and have a partner at first.
“But, at this point, it’s asking myself whether I would like for the comforts of my day-to-day to be disrupted?
“It may be different for others who happen to find themselves in a long-term relationship and dealing with loss, but I am simply content and super comfortable with myself and what the circumstances of my current lifestyle holds for me,” he said.
Maintaining a social calendar is possibly one of the greatest takeaways for most singles, but for him it’s not about being careless and irresponsible.
“Work takes a big part of my time, and I do have enough friends to network and socialise, but I set the pace,” said Saw.
“I guess the biggest focus that I put my energy on right now is towards my mother, who is residing in Penang.
“Being away from her is hard, especially now with the pandemic and if I could travel, I would go back to visit her in a heartbeat.”
Carpe diem!
“No one actually starts out thinking they are going to be single for their entire lives. It happens, but it’s not like a default setting,” shared 53-year-old podcast host Anushia K. Kanagasabai.
It was somewhere during her late 30s that Anushia came to realise she needed to make a conscious attempt to be single. But make no mistake, being single “by no means defines me”, she noted.
“Of course, you learn to enjoy something once you’ve made peace with it.
“I believe it’s completely possible to not be in a relationship and still live a fulfilled life because you take charge with every single decision you make – whether it’s something serious such as buying a home or simply on having chocolate ice cream for dinner. You don't need to rationalise your decision to anyone and that is the best part.”
A seasoned solo traveller, being single has allowed for her to “go wherever with whomever and splurge as much as I want.”
“Traveling [solo] may not completely be trouble-free, but it is a worthwhile experience because it gives you a sense of independence to make things work, and it’s truly – as the saying goes – ‘ikut suka hati’," expressed Anushia.
One memorable experience stood out: “I found myself riding an ostrich at a farm one weekend with a friend somewhere in Negeri Sembilan. It was weird but one of the most entertaining moments of my life!”
Convinced that women are likely much better at being single – and having fun – than men, she shared that the worst thing for a single person to do is allowing themselves to become “trapped in a mundane routine – going to work and back home” and repeating it without any care, further adding, “It’s going to weigh on you hard.”
She noted while it’s quite natural to be wondering what life would have been like not being single, it shouldn’t be up to a point where it leads you into thinking a different life is better.
Living by the idea to continuously do something to keep the body and mind happy: “You shouldn’t be afraid to try something new, which is different than trying something stupid,” said Anushia.
“I took up Odissi – an Indian classical dance – about two years ago and I find it great because it helped to train my brain to be more in tune with my body.
“If you find yourself single and at a later age, embrace it and try something that absolutely terrifies you. If you have never watched a movie or dined out alone, go do it.
“Sometimes it’s the fear of what people would think that is holding you back. Break it and get comfortable with yourself – look for the things you enjoy rather than what depresses you,” she advised.
On how she deals with loneliness: “I never feel lonely – I’m very happy about myself, I have very good friends and if I want company, I know that I can get in touch with them and plan on an outing”.
Another word of wisdom in the efforts of understanding who you are as an individual is for aging singles to move out from their parents' home.
“It’s absolutely necessary. Not that you need to leave as soon as you are 18 or when you first get a job but at some point, you should move out.
“Because that way you will be able to find yourself and appreciate your loved ones more – when you are not in each other's faces all the time.”
Anuptaphobia – or is it just you overthinking?
You know it's serious when there is an actual scientific term for the fear of being single. Maybe we need to stop talking about singlehood like it’s a disorder and not see it as something to rectify.
The science – or art – behind finding, sustaining or even abandoning a romantic relationship is complex.
“Love isn’t something you look for. If it’s there, then it’s meant to be. If not, don’t expect anything,” highlighted 63-year-old actor Ben Tan on how he looks at love.
The biggest question singles may ask themselves is who will care for them as they age, but Tan argues: “What makes them think a spouse would care for them? You can also say the same for children.”
Having preferred the “unconditional love of a cat or a dog,” the carefree actor who is also an advertising group creative director, however, is not completely closed-off at venturing into a relationship, saying: “I take life as it comes, and never really believed in prioritising things since it’s not like supermarket shopping. If I do find someone who is date-worthy, why not?”
Tan who spends his free time listening to Maria Callas and learning pottery, has a personal piece of advice for those who want to overcome their possible deep-rooted fear of being single: “Don’t be stupid – why do you need someone else to define who you are?”
“There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Aloneness – itself – can be quite charming,” he shared further, adding, “You can be in a crowd and still feel utterly lonely”, demonstrating how companionship does not necessarily guarantee the expectations of its social value.
According to Tan, he is enjoying life the best he can and disputes the idea of living a fulfilled life because, “when are we ever really fulfilled?”
“We should be living the best way we can and try not to look back with regrets – ‘sans souci’ (without worry/carefree),” he shared. – The Vibes, November 11, 2020
