THESE days, dating can be a perilous business. With the advent of dating apps, some matches take the liberty of disappearing overnight, while others now have the unfortunate tendency of keeping their "second choice" matches on the boil without ever really committing or taking the relationship further. This is what's known as benching.
A message here, a message there. And then, nothing. Your date mysteriously disappears into thin air. Dating isn't always easy, especially when your match then starts texting you back again out of the blue when you least expect it. The signals seem contradictory: that date seems interested and yet doesn't commit.
If this kind of scenario sounds familiar, you're probably a victim of benching. In this context, benching happens when someone doesn't want to make a relationship official, but when they give you their attention whenever they feel like it, just to keep you sweet.
Second choice scenario
Taken from sporting vocabulary, the term "benching" literally means leaving a player on the bench, or putting someone on the sidelines. And in the world of dating, it means that the person you're flirting with considers you as their second choice until they find someone else. After ghosting and gophering, benching is the latest unsavoury trend to emerge in the dating world.
According to Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of the Luxe Psychology Practice, benching can occur for several reasons. "It could happen if individuals are scared or don’t want to fully commit to a relationship, therefore they want to keep their options open," she told Stylist UK.
"It can also occur when someone simply doesn’t have strong enough feelings to commit to you but likes having you around in case other relationships don’t work out," Stylist UK reports.
So how can you spot the signs of benching? One of the signs that should tip you off is a sudden drop in contact. So, you might stop receiving messages or calls from your date without much explanation. Then, once you're ready to move on and turn the page, that person turns up again and tries to pick up where they left off as if nothing had happened. And this can become a burden in the long run if you've moved on and found someone else you're interested in. Another downside is that it can be hard to resist these people, making it easy for them to come back into your life.
Tina Wilson, a relationship expert and founder of Wingman, interviewed by Glamour UK, says that: "Blindsided by your feelings, even though you know it is wrong, if you are really into this person, you will keep going back and pick up where you left things until the inevitable happens again."
To avoid a repeat of the situation, it's a good idea to set limits. For example, you could confront the person directly by message or call, and put an end to your communications. After all, the longer the benching goes on, the more likely it is to hurt you. – ETX Daily Up, August 14, 2023
