BEING an empty-nester on Mother’s Day can bring up a lot of feelings, ranging from loneliness to gratitude, loss and concern, to a sense of pride in one’s offsprings’ accomplishments, and perhaps even some sorrow or regret.
Regardless of how you may be feeling and how you may choose to spend the day, it is important to be kind to yourself.
While the day is meant to celebrate the joys of motherhood, it can also be a reminder of the changes that come as children grow up and leave the nest.
As a society, we need to recognise the complex emotions that come with being an empty nester and provide support for those who are navigating this transition.
This year marks the second year I am spending Mother’s Day in an empty nest.
Reflecting on Mother’s Days past, I think I may have always taken this special occasion for granted. I didn’t much care for flowers and breakfasts in bed. I didn’t have those kinds of expectations.
.jpg)
I wanted the day to be stress-free (with no dirty dishes to tackle afterwards) and fun for everybody. We did what I generally wanted, which was to leisurely wake up and head out to brunch – something we did most Sundays anyway.
And whilst I loved the handmade cards and kitchsy crafts, my idea of a perfect Mother’s Day was some me-time, preferably in a spa of some sort having the ‘heavy burden of life and kids’ massaged out of my back and neck, or the years taken off my tired visage with the wonders of laser technology.
These days, me-time is the one thing I have a surplus of, my children having grown up and flown the nest.
Being an empty nester is a significant life change. For years, mothers dedicate themselves to raising their children, and when they leave, it can feel like a part of them has gone as well.
This can lead to a range of emotions, from sadness and loneliness to anxiety and fear of the unknown. For me now as a single parent, I sit with a mix of both soft regret and proud relief.
The regret I have is from acknowledging that there were times I was not fully present.
My body may have been there, but my mind and physical efforts were occupied with the bread-and-butter motions of raising them and making sure they had everything they materially needed to survive and thrive.
And whilst I have these brilliant young adults who are thriving, fairly well-adjusted, and living their best lives, I wonder if I hastened too much that acquisition of independence that they flew only too strongly out of the nest I had built to horrifically leave me with all the me-time I could possibly ever want.
The proud relief I feel is knowing they are good kids and have the fortitude of character to build a life outside their childhood home. They too, have had significant life changes in recent years and have taken all of it in stride.
Adaptability and an open mind were some qualities needed in our household, and I am happy that they both are doing so well without me, their ancient, doddering mother (a running joke between us).
I know my experience of motherhood is not unusual or unique. There are many mothers who find themselves in similar places - with a mix of varying degrees of emotions.
It is important to allow oneself to feel these emotions and process them in a healthy way. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, or consider speaking to a therapist, as I have.
The transition to an empty nest can be challenging, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. And freedom.
Some may balk at that notion, but embracing this freedom from the responsibilities of motherhood is a step in the right direction at this stage in our lives. Prioritise your own well-being now.
It may be challenging after having spent years putting your children’s needs first, but this is your time.
Self-care activities like exercise, meditation, journaling, or pursuing hobbies and interests that were put aside during the busy years of motherhood are a great way of restarting this new era of your life.
As we reflect on the challenges of being an empty nester on Mother’s Day, it is also important to recognise the societal pressures that mothers face in this modern age.
The expectation that mothers must be the perfect caregivers, constantly sacrificing their own needs for the sake of their children, is unrealistic and harmful.
Mothers deserve support and recognition for their hard work and dedication, but they also need permission to prioritise their own well-being. This must change.
We must push back against unrealistic expectations of motherhood that are pervasive in our society and create space for mothers to be human, with all the complexity and imperfection that entails.
One way to do this is to create more family-friendly policies and workplace cultures that support mothers. This could include flexible work arrangements, paid parental leave, and affordable childcare options.
These policies would not only benefit mothers but also fathers, who are increasingly taking on caregiving roles.
In addition, we can all do our part to support the mothers in our lives by recognising and validating their hard work and the emotions that come with being an empty nester. This could be as simple as checking in on them regularly – Mother’s Day or otherwise.
If you feel bereft of your children on this special day, sit with those feelings but not for too long. Remember that these feelings are valid and that support is available.
By prioritising self-care and offering support to one another (even over brunch mimosas as one is wont to do on this special occasion), we can create a more compassionate and inclusive society for all mothers.
Wishing all mothers a happy Mother’s Day. – The Vibes, May 14, 2023
