I DID not know I had a chronic illness. I thought the pain was normal.
At least that’s what most doctors said when I had a bad stomach around that time of the month.
But this doctor’s visit was different, landing me in the emergency room and finding out “it’s complicated”.
Perfect timing, I’m one day away from a good friend’s wedding and now I’m hospitalised.
Missing out on major events hurts, but it is the small, incremental moments that hit the hardest. My last-minute cancellations were viewed as a lack of commitment.
This illness had started taking over my life and my circle of friends got smaller over time.
Befriending someone with a chronic illness isn’t a walk in the park but here are some ways to support a friend who may be going through one.
Be there for them
Support is received differently for everyone. If you suspect that your friend might be going through a chronic illness, be aware of their needs and respect their space.
Extend the offer to be there for them, but also respect their privacy. If they aren’t ready to share, don’t pry or overwhelm them with questions. They’re navigating uncharted territory too.
Do your research and don’t rely on them to be the spokesperson for their condition. They will appreciate the time you have taken to show genuine interest in them.
Don’t take it personally
Their schedules are unpredictable. An unforeseen doctor’s visit, a flare up of symptoms, or sudden change in communication. Don’t take it personally when these changes happen.
The mental energy spent on dealing with a chronic illness can take its toll, and some days are better than others.
If a friend makes adjustments to plans, don’’t assume they are fussy. Give them space to navigate these unforeseen factors.
Know your boundaries
Caring for someone with an illness is a sacrifice and it can drain you as a carer. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too so you can be the best for them.
If you’re worn out, it’s probably not the best timing to go the extra mile, even though you may mean well.
Let them know you’re in it for the long haul
If this friendship is valuable to you, let them know. There will be seasons of highs and lows, times when medication has to be introduced or weaned off.
Your friend may appear different through these changes, but let them know that you still care.
It may not always be through heart-to-heart conversations, but a text to tell them you are thinking of them.
A gesture such as dropping off a care package with their favourite things or delivering a meal to their apartment will be much appreciated.
Actions speak louder than words and make a powerful difference.
Hold space and show grace
Your life may move quicker because of your privilege but your friend will feel like life is passing them by and everyone has moved on.
Go the extra mile and let them know they are not forgotten. If you know they can’t move around, bring the party to them. Be creative, like having an indoor picnic or an online movie night.
It may be a mellow version and smaller groups of people spread out over a few months. You may not finish the whole movie or the entire cheese platter because they might not have the energy to, but it is okay.
It’s all in the process of valuing your friend, not the outcome of the event.
Remember, friendships look different for everyone.
Your friend might not remember what you said or did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. – The Vibes, September 30, 2020
