IN the age of WhatsApp and iMessage, it’s hard to imagine anyone not being involved in family group chats. Heck, 90% of you reading this might have even muted your family group chats because of the incessant ‘good morning’ messages and influx of fake news.
But mine is different. My family group chat consists of only two people: my father and me. That’s it. No hassle, no fuss.
I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I do remember two things:
- Three-year-old me holding on to my mother’s leg, begging her not to leave, as she took hold of her luggage, kicked me aside, and walked out of the house
- My father rarely being around
While I was a toddler, I barely had a relationship with my father, because he was the breadwinner. And the bread had to be won in Kuala Lumpur, because there was no sufficient bread in Kuantan to support a wife and a daughter – and a mother.
Fast forward to today, he’s put me through primary school, secondary school, college, university, and even a brief stint in Australia.
Fast forward to today, he’s helped me pay my rent, my phone bills, books, game consoles, car instalments, and god knows what else.
Fast forward to today, he’s learned how to tie up my hair and even taught me how to tie up my hair, bought me sanitary pads from all brands imaginable because he’s never had a period before, educated me on handling my finances, sat by my side while I struggled with 2+2=1, and given me the best career advice a girl could ask for.
What was it like growing up with a single father? Well, to start with, three-year-old me wouldn’t have expected to be so close to him as I am today.
It’s not easy growing up without a mother. I see my classmates with perfect sets of parents doting on them, and I think that I only have one person to dote on me. My teachers and other adults ask me why it’s always only my father, and I think ‘I don’t know’, because I didn’t. I didn’t even know I had a mother until I was 9, when she suddenly waltzed back into my life.
I imagine it’s also not easy to raise a daughter all on his own.
I don’t know what kind of daughter he expected when I was born, but I am pretty sure I’m not it. My results have never been stellar, though they’re acceptable. I’m not traditional. I hate math like Anakin Skywalker hates sand. But regardless of all that, my father’s never asked much from me, not in terms of results or career paths.
All he’s ever asked from me is for me to be honest and resilient.
He isn’t a talkative person. He doesn’t have many friends. He goes to work at 8am and comes home at 5pm. At 8pm, he’s sitting on the porch, playing with the dogs and drinking beer. And then he calls it a day at 10pm. Seriously, the man is 49 and he’s living the life of a 60-year-old.
My father and I don’t say “I love you” to each other. We’re not affectionate with each other. Sometimes, we can go several days without talking to each other, and that’s fine. But I know to my very core that he does love me, because he’s never failed to give me whatever I want – a PS2, a Gameboy, a phone, so many books. I know that he does love me, because for a man who hates kids – he really hates kids – he fought hard for my custody and has never given up on me in the last 24 years.
If I could turn back time, would I have wanted my mother to stay so we could be ‘whole’?
No. My family is whole. It’s my father and me. My family group chat is also as simple as that. It’s the only thing I’ve ever known, and I wouldn’t ask for anything else.
I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I remember my father never failing to tell me that my mother is still my mother even though my mother left me without a mother. Little did he know, he’s not just my father, he’s also my mother.
Really, what man would walk into a supermarket and pick up two big plastic bags full of sanitary pads once he learned that his daughter had her period and was panicking like a mad chicken? This man, who’s the best at being a single father and the worst at technology.
Happy Father’s Day, ba. And stop accusing me of wanting to send you to a home. – The Vibes, June 20, 2021
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