World Mental Health Day: whither treatment in an unequal world – anonymous

Trigger warning: suicide ideation 

I TRIED to kill myself three times when I was 15. In the span of 365 days, I fully had that intention. I had three ways I thought I could try.

None of those attempts succeeded, of course, since, well, here I am, writing this piece.

I have always found life meaningless since I was a child to the working adult I am today. But at 15 years old, it was probably the lowest point in my life because a lot of things seemed to be happening all at once – I learned new things about my past, I discovered something that I couldn’t agree with about myself, and family issues were cropping up. 

I was depressed. I had severe anxiety. And I figured: What is the point of remaining in this pointless world? What is even the point of me? Am I not just a small blot in this massive world with billions of people? 

The world wouldn’t miss me. 

So I tried. I had it all planned in my head.

Obviously, I did not go through with it. The thing that ultimately held me back from doing any of those things was my father, who had always been and will always be my pillar. I couldn’t disappoint him and his efforts of raising me by ending my life that early. 

That would be unfilial. 

So I stayed alive, but my issues – oh, my issues were far from resolved.

And now you’re probably thinking: You could have just thought happy thoughts. Just don’t think about it.

Wow, what a concept. Wonder why I didn’t think of that? 

I don’t know how to explain it, but I just couldn’t think happy thoughts. Sometimes, I still can’t. I don’t want to be the way I am, but my brain is a traitor and wouldn’t cooperate, and I am just a bag of bones with an extra dash of mental health issues. 

Professional therapy unaffordable to average Joe

“Oh no, well, why didn’t you just go to a counselor? See a therapist.”

I don’t know, because they’re expensive and I’d like to be able to also afford to eat? It’s not that I don’t believe in therapy, because I’m absolutely for it, but I’m also absolutely not for the price. 

I’ve done my research, and seeing a therapist is not easy or cheap, especially if you want to see a professionally trained therapist – like a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. 

Let’s do the math. 

Let’s say that one session of therapy, at its cheapest, costs RM100. Let’s say that I have to go for a session once a week. Let’s say that I earn RM3,000 on a monthly basis, and I have to pay at least RM1,000 for rental, bills, and other miscellaneous stuff, and put away another RM500 for savings. That would leave me only RM1,100 a month to spend on stuff I actually need to make my life worth living, and that’s not including food, petrol and other things.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather spend that RM400 elsewhere, rather than on therapy. 

See, it is kind of funny. The government has always, for as long as I remember, been launching  mental health awareness campaigns, talking about how important it is that we value our mental health. And yet, there doesn’t seem to be anything done to make it accessible to the average person who is suffering.

Government chatter amid real struggle

Look, we’ve known about the importance of mental health for probably a decade. Maybe more than that. The government doesn’t have to keep talking about it for us to know. What we also know is that professional mental health treatment is largely inaccessible to the general population, and that’s not just in Malaysia. 

Let’s not even start with companies, who have a tendency of calling their employees "family", and yet dismiss all sorts of calls for help in terms of mental health struggles. 

Listen, if I earn RM1 every time someone espouses mental health awareness, I could probably afford therapy. Probably.

Ironically enough, the theme for this year’s Mental Health Day is ‘Mental Health in an Unequal World’. This theme highlights that access to mental health services remains unequal, with between 75% and 95% of people with mental disorders in low- and middle-income countries unable to access mental health services at all. 

Many people with a mental illness do not receive the treatment that they are entitled to and deserve. The gap between the "haves" and the "have-nots" grows ever wider and there is continuing unmet need in the care of people with a mental health problem. Unless we make this affordable for all, we will be a nation of depressed, anxious, and suicide-ideators – and nothing will change.

For me, for now, I alleviate my anxiety and depression with certain substances, which may or may not be illegal, because – believe it or not – these substances are more affordable than therapy. –  The Vibes, October 10, 2021

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