TILL today, I have one question that I am too afraid to ask: “Am I going to die?”
I know no doctor will be able to give me a straight answer especially on my third encounter with cancer.
Yes, three is the number of times I’ve had cancer. I survived the first in 2013 when I was diagnosed with Stage 1D ovarian cancer – after two major surgeries and a series of chemotherapy, I was given a clean bill of health.
The second was in 2016 when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer only after weeks of suffering from intestinal pains that I was wheeled into the operating theatre for an emergency major operation to remove the tumour from my colon.
All I can remember is the doctor telling me (just before I was wheeled in for the surgery) that the cancer had spread to my liver, news that shattered my family who were waiting patiently outside.
But I told myself if God wanted me dead, I would have died a long time ago so it was clear that I was meant to live and fight yet another battle with cancer.
I woke up in the intensive care unit (ICU) of University Malaya Medical Centre (UMMC) after what seemed like an endless surgery only to be told about a week later that the biopsy done on the tumour revealed Stage 3 colon cancer and that it has not metastasized.
Times when I just wanted to die
And so, it began another round of chemotherapy, this time more aggressive and painful than before.
There were times when I just wanted to die but death was never the answer as I knew I had to pull through for my family and most of all for my son who depends on me for all the support in the world especially emotional support.
I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him all alone in this world – I am a single mother and Bryan is my only child.
My fight proved fruitful and once again after a six-month ordeal with chemotherapy, I was given a clean bill of health.
But since then, I can't remember life without cancer being a constant shadow lurking in the distance.
I also have two large scars (one vertical and another horizontal) across my stomach as a daily reminder of what I had been through, of what I may have to go through again.
Cancer strikes again
It was in 2020, during the first movement control order and I was in the midst of mastering my latest craze – combat boxing – that I was diagnosed with a recurrence of ovarian cancer. I was in the best physical shape of my life and was feeling empowered by having set my life’s goals.
Cancer did not fit in and I wasn't going to let it get in my way. But this time things were more complicated in that the tumour which was diagnosed as Stage 1C ovarian cancer could not be operated on as it was latched onto my colon.
No doctor wanted to operate on me for fear I may bleed to death on the operating table. So, the next best thing to do according to my oncologist, Beacon Hospital medical director Datuk Dr Mohamed Ibrahim Wahid, was to shrink the tumour with chemotherapy, to a size that was operable.
Having the experience I did with cancer taught me to enjoy every moment of life. I aimed to have a positive attitude and believe that since I beat the disease before, I can beat it again and again. I developed a concept I referred to as my "Year without Fear."
During this time, many changes were occurring in my life and I decided that fear was no longer going to be at the forefront. I am somewhat of an adventure seeker, always willing to take new risks, including buying my first sports car so I can live in the fast lane and globe-trotting to mysterious Russia (things on my bucket list from my first encounter with cancer).
Has cancer changed my life?
I am still undergoing weekly chemotherapy and daily radiation (25 times to be exact) to remove the tumour since it has now latched on to the major blood vessel that connects to my lower body which makes surgery impossible.
Has cancer changed my life? Absolutely! I had to pick myself up all over again. There were times during treatment when I was so sick, I literally needed help just taking a bath. Despite being lucky enough to not lose my hair, it became somewhat frizzy and lost its lustre. My skin became dry, I lost weight, once down to 39kgs, barely able to walk and even when I was able to, I was hovering around like a 95-year-old woman.
What broke my heart was seeing the worry in my son’s eyes countless times when he looked at his mummy.
But the point is, I’m still able to look into his eyes. And I’m able to take care of him.
All thanks to the support and kindness from my family and friends – my family who has been there for me even at my lowest and the darkest days of my life, friends who gave me a job despite knowing I have cancer and friends who are still helping me on days when I am unable to comprehend and work (you all know who you are and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart forever).
Know your own bodies
What do I want to tell other women? Please learn the signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer. Ladies, there is no test for ovarian cancer. And until doctors and researchers come up with one, we have to know our own bodies!
My advice to women would be to listen to their bodies; don’t assume that it’s just nothing. Make sure that it’s just nothing. Remember you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else!
Yes, it will never be fair that I will have to live my life with a constant fear of cancer, but I know now that I can handle anything.
Remaining strong physically is what has allowed me to remain strong mentally as well.
I try to keep the word "cancer" out of my thoughts and concentrate instead on being healthy. It helps to know that there are people out there who believe in me. I am not ready to quit combat boxing, golf, hiking and God knows what I will think of next! You will be amazed with yourself if you learn to push past what you think you cannot do.
Cancer is simply another challenge in life; one that I know I can conquer. I’ve made Christ the centre of my life. He holds my future in His hands and lives in my heart. – The Vibes, February 4, 2022
Anne Edwards is an associate news editor of The Vibes
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