KUALA LUMPUR – Chat, negotiate and meet: that is the general rule propagated by controversial dating app Sugarbook, an industry leader in luxury dating, by its own proclamation.
Anyone who is down on their luck or simply looking at ways to diversify their source of income would jump at financial offers in a heartbeat.
It is what had me signing up three months ago – pairing the idea of possibly meeting new people and solving my financial woes.
A notification appears indicating that I have a message from someone attracted to my profile. That message reads:
“Hello XXX, in PJ too.
Businessman. Read your profile,
you are very nice, intelligent,
sweet and lovely girl. Monthly
allowance 4-5k...”
Inadvertently, life took a different turn, cutting my adventure short in what could have been a whirlwind of “sweet” exploits. I wonder the extent of changes to my lifestyle it would have had and whether replying to the messages would have made me an immoral person.
But if so, by whose standards?
Social safety network
“Let’s face it, we are an Asian society following generations’ worth of ‘ideals’, and have this holier-than-thou view of things that we deem non-conforming.
“I think that before we slut-shame or accuse women of being immoral, it would be good to know why men are looking for sugar relationships as well,” said Mohini E, who is a sugar baby.
Mohini, who is based in Selangor, thinks the prevalence of sugar relationships is only a reflection of the demand for them.
She said that banning Sugarbook, or any platforms similar in the future, is not going to help address the concern towards sugaring activities.
“Sugarbook is just one of many ways to establish sugar relationships as the concept exists long before the platform was created,” said the 45-year-old.
“This has been going around for years, (an earlier way) to engage is via mIRC (Internet Relay Chat) chat rooms.
“When I was at university, I noticed fancy cars waiting for students outside campus. These high-profile men would use their drivers as a proxy for the sugar babies.
“I had also seen a lot of high-ranking officials at bars with women who are obviously not their wives – so why are we victimising the women in sugar relationships more than the men?”
Mohini, a psychologist who has taken an interest in establishing a sugar relationship out of curiosity (to discover what draws individuals to it) about three years ago, said, “the public should really look at the psyche of people who are on the app or in sugar relationships first to understand the root cause before crucifying those involved.
“Sometimes, society is too harsh on women based on the decisions they make, and we need to realise that we can’t blame them because men are also there willingly looking – banning (the app) is not going to address anything.”
She said apart from the casual idea of fulfilling an interest, most sugar babies start engaging with a sugar daddy to ease their financial woes – either their own or their family’s.
“We need to ask ourselves, if the women are given opportunities, would they still be there? We are not dumb; we are smart enough to make informed decisions,” she said, adding that it is an adult’s right to choose how they put food on the table, pay their tuition fees or simply try to live comfortably.
“If we really are forcing ourselves to look at sugar relationships as a societal ill, then we need to give equal – if not more – attention to the issue of child marriages and exploitation. I would say this requires more serious attention because children are the ones at risk of not being able to make informed decisions at all.”
On allegations that the line between sugaring and illicit solicitation are not clearly defined, she said: “First of all, prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. If laws are being made to say it is wrong, why does it still exist?
“It is because men seek it, don’t they, so why are we – solely – slut-shaming the girls? Do you think it’s easy to just sleep with any man? Who asked you to put your honour on a woman’s body?
“Secondly, prostitution – as explained – is a job; being a sugar baby is not. Compare an apple with an apple, and not an apple with an orange.
“If we are giving sugar babies a hard time, find out the reason why women seek financial liberation in the first place and what they are using the money for.
“For the men, it is more about understanding why they seek a connection by having sugar babies because most sugar daddies are often married,” she said, adding that society and those with power must look at a lot of things more extensively.
The kink is not always in bed, but in financial control
In a conventional romantic courtship, daters get to know each other to see whether there are any sort of attractions before moving on to the next step – even making relationships exclusive requires a lot of considerations.
If one is unfamiliar with the nature of the messages one would get from potential sugar daddies, it is usually straightforward and business-like.
According to a 27-year-old sugar baby based in Cyberjaya who wants to remain anonymous, “the rules of engagements are set differently with each relationship. The conditions become tightened, or more stringent when you become a baby to a Datuk or a Tan Sri.
“At times, while along on trips with the sugar daddies, the babies can’t leave the hotel room for consecutive days for fear of being caught in public. (They) can only request necessities via a trusted confidant as the runner, acting as a medium between these daddies and babies.
“In return, these babies receive houses, cars, and even capital to start their own businesses. Some daddies don’t require sex, and purely want companionship. However, this is more significant among (Caucasian) expats”.
Both men and women become sugar babies for essentially the same reason, regardless of gender – to get something in return. This does not necessarily have to be gifts or money, it can also be in the form of building a human connection that is neither sexual nor romantic in nature.
For Mohini at least, “I knew exactly why I was on a sugar baby and sugar daddy dating platform, having been on Tinder and OkCupid before. I wanted a platonic relationship (specifically) and did not go into it seeking sex because, if I wanted to, I could always seek it outside. People would truly be surprised to see the number of men who wanted likewise.”
Juggling five sugar daddies, she said that she used a different app than Sugarbook called SeekingArrangement, “because it has more mature men”.
“When it comes to platonic relationships, intimacy comes in the form of quality time spent, holding hands, hugging or cuddling, where no sex is involved.
“For instance, in one or two weeks, I would meet up with the sugar daddy, have dinner and talk about each other’s week or general issues, or current affairs. After, we would go back to either my place or the guy’s place to watch a movie, play card games etc before calling it a night, and returning home.
“Not once have I taken my clothes off for these men or seen them overstepping (not to say they didn’t try) their boundaries,” she said, adding that sugar babies need to ensure a safe space is always established.
“The initial meeting with the potential sugar daddy is important as it is the time you sit down and lay out your cards to highlight the wants and dislikes in the beginning of the engagement.”
She said that a lot of men also look for a platonic relationships or friendships to compensate for the lack of attention from their current partners at home.
“The chemistry is gone because they have been married too long or the love languages are a miss with their loved ones. A lack of words of affirmation and quality time... are two elements significant among sugar daddies that I can observe.
“We generally feel better when we are loved, and most sugar daddies feel better when they are made to feel powerful or important. These sugar daddies are essentially in this sort of engagement because they do not get the same emotional satisfaction in their normal relationships outside of it.”
Unwelcomed attention
“I strongly object to Sugarbook revealing the list of universities (highlighting the number of sugar babies per institution). It’s a cheap promo stunt because it breaches all confidentiality that they established with users of the app.
“They may have wanted to attract more younger babies with revelations like this, but it is a huge oversight, and the app itself may not have necessarily had such a large demographic of students they claim to,” said Mohini on the unwarranted media circus around the top 10 list.
“By talking about this more in public, in a way, we are doing exactly what Sugarbook wants – giving it more publicity”.
In an ill-advised laddish attempt to promote the platform back in early 2019, CEO Darren Chan was famously quoted in an interview revealing what wealthy older men really want.
“They don’t want women who are a smart a**, dishonest, cheaters, unhygienic and obsessive. The word ‘daddy’ is described as a protector, a man who is reliable, kind and generous, who is also financially capable and very willing to impart knowledge.
“These men are not only looking for intimate companionship, but also looking for someone to pamper, spoil and love.”
Ever since the Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC) took action by blocking the site and the Higher Education Ministry unveiled plans to probe into reports of more varsity students becoming sugar babies, Chan’s last update on Facebook seems to imply that the company is drawing itself out of the Malaysian landscape, trusting the authorities to decide on the image of the platform.
A Twitter user recently highlighted the varying types of users on the app, which raised concerns about its credibility.
The tweet said that, apart from sugar babies and sugar daddies and mummies, the make-up of users on Sugarbook could include scammers eyeing the vulnerable.
The tweet went on to say that real sugar daddies who are loaded would not use an app to connect with sugar babies.
On Thursday, the 34-year-old founder of the app was arrested in Mont Kiara at 4.30pm.
An application for remand was rejected by the Shah Alam High Court after he pledged to fully cooperate with police investigations.
However, the man was rearrested in connection with a rape case and for offering sex services.
This followed a police report from a student at a higher learning institute, with the alleged incident said to have taken place in Subang Jaya on February 19, 2019.
He has since been remanded for seven days starting Thursday.
It is learnt that the police first initiated investigations into the dating website after it named 10 public and private universities as having the most students who chose to become sugar babies and sought sugar daddies to finance their lifestyles. – The Vibes, February 20, 2021
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