“This is going to sound crazy, but I’ve started using vaginal wash as a face cleanser...let’s see how my skin reacts.”
THIS was the eye catching post in one of my favourite private Facebook groups: ‘Skincare and ...’. I was looking for some insight on retinol use for 40-something year old skin to tackle the annoying milia that has recently plagued my delicate under-eye area. When this popped up, I dove right into the comments section with “But, but... why?” as did almost 200+ members of the group, along with accompanying gifs to express disbelief, mirth, and some wonder as to the OP’s (original poster) outcome of this bizarre experiment.
Now, I’m sure we’ve all found ourselves in compromising mid-shower situations. I’ll admit to using shower gel on my hair or conditioner as a shaving cream when I run out of the needful. These I assure you, were desperate moments and not habit forming. But to use feminine wash as a facial cleanser on purpose, well...! It is gentle enough, surely? I was intrigued. If it is supposedly gentle enough for your downstairs, surely it would be gentle enough for your upstairs?
This warranted some vigorous Google research on my end, and not only have I come out the other side more knowledgeable on the finer points of why using fem wash on your visage is an absolutely bad idea, I now have a significant list of other things to not put on your face – obvious or otherwise.
Feminine wash
Let’s tackle this one first, since it is the whole premise of this article. The vagina is a self-cleaning organ, which produces discharge to clean itself, carrying dead cells and bacteria out of the body to prevent infection. These secretions are normal and natural, and if the discharge produced has an abnormally whiffy odor or colour, a visit to the gynaecologist would be in order. There is no need to introduce foreign elements (cleansers, douches, etc) to cleanse and deodorise internally or externally. In fact, these can exacerbate a dodgy downunder. That said, who doesn’t want to feel fresh and clean after a sweaty day walking around in our tropical clime? As a normal personal hygiene routine, your vulva is the area you should wash daily and water is all you need to effectively clean this.
Feminine washes are acidic and usually perfumed for that added ‘fresh as a daisy’ experience. Your face does not have the same ph level as your vagina, and for some, added fragrances can cause adverse reactions to sensitive facial skin. Just because a vaginal cleanser purports to be gentle, it may not be gentle enough for use on your face. A product with a ph level of between 3.5-4.5 (gentle as it may be for your nether region) may result in chemical burning – causing peeling and potential scarring to your face. To state the obvious, your vagina and your face are two different animals – so treat them accordingly!
Nail polish remover
You would think common sense would prevail, but because Kylie and Kendall Jenner (of Kardashian fame) back in 2017 did it and raved about their experiences with what they called a ‘slush facial’ (involving dry ice and acetone), droves of their impressionable fans followed suit.
Now, acetone is the stuff of nail varnish remover. It will strip paint. It is also toxic and flammable. The only reasons why I think some people would even consider using nail polish remover on their faces, are a) they are grossly misguided, and b) they must be dealing with an oil-spill. As acetone will strip the oil off anything and the Jenner sisters have fully endorsed it, some may be inclined to suspend common sense and give it a go. Don’t do it. It’s just a very bad idea.
Whilst we’re on the topic of toners, the more astringent the toner, the more it will strip away the natural oils your skin produces. This will actually result in your skin producing even more oil to compensate. Look for a gentle toner, there are so many that will soothe and provide moisture and balance to your skin.
Hairspray
This is a bit of a horror revelation to me as I remember sometime in the 80s when big hair was set using hairspray – we would actively avoid getting any of that nastiness on us by holding up a magazine in front of our faces when the hairdresser started waving her can around our heads. Now, for some bizarre reason, beauty hackers are suggesting we use hairspray as an effective setting spray so makeup doesn’t slide off our faces.
Apparently, this hack started within the pageant community and is pretty effective at making makeup stay put. But with the easy availability of good face-setting sprays on the market these days, there’s really no need to potentially do damage to your skin. Hairspray contains alcohol, lacquer, and repellants that can irritate your skin, dehydrate it, and make you look older. Plus, if you’ve ever been sprayed in the face accidentally by an over-enthusiastic hairstylist, you’ll remember that tight, sticky, uncomfortable feeling you are left with when that hairspray dries. There are many setting sprays that are gentle and leave a perfectly matte or dewy finish that may even contain added skincare benefits.
Deodorant
At this point, I can hear a collective “What?” but yes, this appears to be a thing. A controversial beauty hack for makeup primer, some beauty bloggers have endorsed applying antiperspirants on the t-zone because after all, if it helps your pits combat moisture, it should work on your face, right? Consider the skin on your armpit v the skin on your face. We have more oil glands on our face than our armpits, and more sweat glands in our pits than our faces. Deodorants and antiperspirants combat sweat and most contain pore-clogging ingredients. The last thing you want is clogged pores, so in the words of one beauty vlogger I trust, the answer to this is, “Nay, nay. I say.” – Bailey Sarian.
Body lotion
Who hasn’t done this? There have been numerous holidays where I have found myself with missing items in my toiletry bag. While not ideal, it would seem better than bearing a dry face to the world, no? According to experts, body lotion is denser and oilier than facial lotion and can clog facial skin, resulting in breakouts and aggravating acne. Also, body lotions tend to have artificial fragrances that can cause an allergic reaction. Let the body lotion go where it’s intended, and off you go to the nearest pharmacy for a proper moisturiser for your face, please.
Glue
Remember how much fun it was as kids to smother glue all over your hand, wait for it to dry, and then peel it off to shrieks of “Look! I’m shedding like a snake!”? Well, this was a trend started by social media influencers as a DIY remedy for removing blackheads. As fun as you may remember it being, glue is toxic and should not be anywhere near your face or nose. Even non toxic glue can cause clogged pores or worse, rip your skin off. As someone who has had mishaps with pore strips herself (which incidentally I wouldn’t recommend either), this can be a painful experience with tragic or comical (depends on your sense of humour) consequences.
Sperm
Let me just start off by saying that the skin health benefits of this is largely anecdotal, with claims that the nutrients (protein, zinc, magnesium, and urea among others) in semen may help with skin health. In all the googling I did to learn more about this, the overwhelming scientific consensus proves very inconclusive. There is just not enough evidence to show that a semen facial will improve your acne or will provide any anti-aging benefits.
If anything, the adverse seems to be a caution from the scientific faculty – that putting semen on your face may place a person at risk for developing an STI, such as chlamydia or gonorrhea. Some may develop rashes or an allergic reaction to exposure. Proceed with caution if you are still so inclined, but whatever you do, don’t get it in your eyes. Your eyes are covered in mucous membranes that could leave you vulnerable to things like ocular herpes and chlamydia conjunctivitis if your partner has these sexually transmitted diseases.
Minute glass shards
I feel I have to conclude this with a personal anecdote. Just recently I forked out a small fortune on an anti-aging serum that promises to be the very elixir of youth. I took it home, and as I was taking the small amber bottle out of its box, the bottle slipped from my clumsy fingers and bounced off the tile, not shattering, thankfully. But upon examination, it appeared that the glass stopper inside had cleanly broken in two. I was in a quandary. Do I chuck this expensive treasure – or should I risk smothering atomic fragments of glass into my face?
I’ll admit that the temptation was strong. I am tight-fisted about my personal extravagances and I abhor waste. What was the worst thing that could happen?
I consulted a friend (she’s no expert but she is able to make rational arguments about mostly everything), because I couldn’t trust myself to make a non emotional decision about it. She sagely suggested that these things could happen if I chose to use this tainted serum:
- The glass particles could become imbedded in the skin
- The skin could reject it as a foreign body by forming a rash of pus-filled pimples all over my face
- It could become grossly infected
- I could perhaps get sepsis and die
So no – please do not rub glass shards into your skin, no matter how tempting it may be. – The Vibes, May 2, 2021
