BACK in 1986, Newsweek magazine jolted many out of their proverbial seats with the shocking revelation that single women over 40 are more likely to be killed by terrorism than to ever get married.
Its front-page report entitled “Too Late for Prince Charming?” cited a Yale-Harvard study indicating that these women had a less than 2.6% chance of someone putting a ring on it, quoting multiple singles on the pity-inducing state of their personal affairs and incompleteness of their lives.
Many of those women – surprise, surprise – have since tied the knot.
So, when one of Malaysia’s own armchair experts on relationships, religion and general life choices (not a lot of ophthalmology advice though; strange for an eye doctor by training) Prof Datuk Muhaya Mohamad released an Instagram video (which has since been pulled from her feed) telling women to “dumb” themselves down if they want to attract a husband, the amount of fury she elicited from women scorned came as no shock.
In the clip entitled “Why women marry late?”, she offers tips to the as-yet uncoupled single female that include:
- Accepting men as natural leaders, and valuing and celebrating this “fact”;
- Not to be too ambitious;
- Not to make efforts to “liberate” womankind;
- Not to try to outdo men as this will only result in rising testosterone levels (which, apparently, has some bearing on the social construct that is marriage); and,
- Acting docile and “a little bit stupid” to attract your jodoh (fated partner).
Reactions ensued, savage and swift. Across the Twitterverse, Malaysians chipped in to cut Muhaya’s “counsel” down to size, calling her views archaic, sexist, derogatory and insulting, and one that sends a dangerous message to young girls and women.
I’m sorry but my mum didn’t raise me to be ‘bodoh-bodoh sikit’ in front of men so that I can ‘bertemu jodoh’. You are sending the wrong message to girls and young women. Women should definitely not lower their intellectual level just so that they can attract a man. https://t.co/xc0G7GsV3O
— Dr. Amalina (@DrAmalinaBakri) June 8, 2021
I didn't educate myself this much to be bodoh2 sikit. It's not my job to stroke a man's fragile ego. If I have to bend, twist & turn my attitude to be picked by man, then I don't need such man in my life. If you play dumb from the start, you gonna play dumb forever to keep him
— KALAI VANI MANIAM (@VANIMANIAM) June 8, 2021
Ramai quote and marah lelaki sbb always nak perempuan jadi kurang dari diorang to feed their ego and superiority. Kesian lelaki padahal aku kenal ramai je lelaki yang tak suka tengok perempuan lembik and adore perempuan pandai ?
— شا (@sayanurshahira) June 9, 2021
She's being disrespectful to BOTH genders.
and I rather be A brilliant & intelligent lady la, dari jadi bodoh semata nak attract jantan melekat kat kita. Yes, kahwin tu sunnah untuk sama2 ke jalan Allah, but that doesnt mean yang purpose wanita hidup kat dunia ni hanya untuk berkahwin.
— ZMimages ????? (@izzyarra) June 9, 2021
It is, no doubt, reassuring to see so many Malaysian women understand that healthy relationships have a balance of exchange of energy. They know that it is not wrong to need to feel appreciated, to feel like the way we are, the stuff we know and things we do are valued by someone outside ourselves, particularly those we choose to tie our lives to. It is heartening to know that women today are aware that they no longer have to conform to the social roles of yesteryear.
And, I agree: there is no reasonable excuse to lower your intellectual level to appease a partner – man or woman. There is no justification for binding yourself legally to a person who does not know who you really are, cannot accept you for it or prefers an inauthentic version of yourself. There cannot be any circumstance in which repressing yourself for the economic, social, religious or even sexual trade-off that comes with marriage is ever going to be worth it.
Or is there?
One February 2021 survey found that 39% of Malaysians say they feel lonely often/always/some of the time, a touch higher than the global average of 33%. A study cited in the Harvard Gazette found that a whopping 61% of lonely people are between the ages of 18 and 25. A Centres for Disease Control and Prevention survey found one-third of adults aged 45 and older feel lonely.
Of course, marriage is by no means the one and only salve for the pain of loneliness. But, despite what some may tell you, people are not mushrooms: we can’t grow in the dark without friends. People are social animals. People crave contact. People crave connection. Why else do you think we even bothered inventing language?
There must also be a reason why the institution of marriage has endured throughout so much of human history, whether that be because we’ve yet to find a better legal structure to safeguard the sanctity of family or because humans are simply possessive as all hell – who knows? For singles looking to marry though, that may not even be the point.
The point is this: marriage may not be the actual goal, but the promise of companionship is. The promise of a life not lived in isolation, to always have a witness, the support of an ally, a confidante, an advocate, a living body pillow. Yes, many can, and more people should, be able to fulfil these needs on their own, or with friends. Or with their mothers. But we keep on running full speed ahead into the next heartbreak – why? Because humans are not mushrooms.
It would be so easy to say that Muhaya’s advice is dead wrong, that it will never work for anybody or that we need to wrap her up in a box and send her back to 1952. But disregarding the nuance of such a personal and seemingly high-stakes debate by painting all women who make attempts to impress potential partners or obey and submit to their husbands as “bad women” helps nobody (also, what kind of post-modernist monster are you?).
Feeling unloved, unwanted and undesirable can exact a heavy toll on a woman. It can force her to plumb the depths of her own dignity in desperation for some relief. It can lead her to take the kind of advice Muhaya and her ilk are dishing out. But what our good eye doctor does not seem to understand is that, when you begin operating without awareness or out of fear, you are no longer coming from a place of choice.
So, it does more harm than good for women to kick down their fellow sisters struggling with feelings of low self-worth, striving to meet societal, familial or religious expectations, or simply finding it hard to be alone. There should be no shame in saying – if you are in this position and feeling lonely and discarded – that this is how you truly feel. And, if other women and men can construct a safe space and judgment-free zone for all the single women grappling with this inner turmoil, then that is the best lesson that we can take from Muhaya’s “advice”. – The Vibes, June 11, 2021
Fuzeani Fauzi is assistant chief sub-editor of The Vibes. She is dedicating this commentary to two beautiful souls she knows will move on from their last relationships and find ones more deserving of the breathtakingly radiant balls of light that they are
